


full speed ahead

by StickyBarb



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 10:50:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8141162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StickyBarb/pseuds/StickyBarb
Summary: You knows she's being selfish. But knowing doesn't make it hurt any less.





	

You’d been over this.

When Chika paid her a surprise visit in the middle of the night, in the midst of her internal conflict regarding their relationship and Riko’s appearance in their lives, You had thought that everything was going to be alright. Chika still cared for her, cared enough to cycle all the way to her house alone just to tell her childhood best friend something that should never have needed saying to begin with. She had cried, thinking how silly she was to doubt years of friendship over a new friend.

You thought everything was going to be alright. When she performed on stage, side by side with the girl she had spent almost her entire life with, she had thought that she was a fool for ever doubting the strength of their relationship. They had been together, were together, and would be together for the rest of their lives. It had felt that way. Her cheeks burned, but not because of the summer heat. Her heart fluttered as though dancing, but not because of the rigorous choreography or the nervousness of performing in front of a crowd. It was because she realized that this was where she belonged – next to Takami Chika, the girl she had always walked side by side with since they were even old enough to walk. This was how it had been, and how it would always be, and she was over all the silly worries she had been nursing over the course of the past few months.

But when they went to Tokyo, and the ever-lovable carrot-haired girl was reunited with her new redheaded best friend, You realized that in fact, she was _not_ over anything.

She was not over the little glances Chika threw at Riko, and the muffled giggling whenever they caught each other staring. She was not over having to pretend that the two second years weren’t kicking around under the table with their legs, limbs entwined in some sort of ritual You wasn’t privy to. She was not over how she always had to get off her seat and move over so Chika could sit next to Riko-chan. She was not over the fact that the last time Chika had called her on the phone was to talk to her about how awesome it was that Riko-chan had moved into the house next to hers, and how she was so pretty and talented and good at piano and all this things You could never be-

It was always Riko-chan _this,_ and Riko-chan _that._ You was painfully aware of how her voice sounded whenever she called the redhead’s name. Riko- _chan._ It sounded bitter, even to her own ears, and from the worried frown Mari often directed at her, she wasn’t the only one who had picked up on her own bitterness.

Riko- _chan,_ Riko- _chan,_ Riko- _chan._ You knew she was being selfish. But knowing didn’t make it hurt any less.

She wanted her friend to be happy. She truly, truly wished that with all her heart, more than anything else in the world. Chika’s smile was the most important thing in the world, the reason the sun rose every morning, the reason the planet remained in orbit circling the star instead of being hurled off to the faraway reaches of the unknown universe. And Chika was always smiling nowadays, her toothy megawatt grin showing itself more often than ever before.

Only now, she wasn’t the primary recipient of that smile. Now, Chika’s smile was the property of Sakurauchi Riko- _chan._

You kept on smiling, as a good school idol and friend of Chika should. But she felt herself slowly crack at the edges, flaking paint on an old concrete building desperately trying to keep itself together. She didn’t want Chika to notice, so she forced the edges of her mouth upwards, even though it sent daggers into her aching heart. She soon found herself smiling effortlessly, growing numb to the feelings of sourness that had festered in her gut like pools of lead weighing her down. All to protect the smile she loved so dearly. For the sake of that girl, her own happiness was nothing.

Mari told her to talk it out. She had lost years due to her own failure to communicate, and she would be damned if You wasted even a day more than they had already. And by God, You had tried.

But whenever she opened her mouth to speak to Chika, she hesitated. Because she knew.

It was selfish. You was being selfish, wanting to keep Chika to herself. Chika was a canary, and You her keeper. Chika wanted to fly, but You couldn’t fly _with_ her, not when the carrot-head was flying away with the crimson lovebird while she remained grounded, flightless. The right thing was to let go.

You was being a horrible friend, and she hated herself for it.

Chika would never hate her for it, but… the chance of backlash was never zero. Chika had changed. Chika could snap, and their friendship could be ruined forever. The risk was there. And You wasn’t sure that the odds were in her favor any longer. She couldn’t risk it. She would rather continue suffering, stumbling forwards barefoot on a thorny road, because it was better than losing the path altogether.

The hot summer winds turned to frigid sea breezes as the seasons changed. You continued on with the school idol thing – she really did enjoy being an idol, after all – but her enthusiasm died with the summer heat. After all, sitting in the club room meant watching the two other second years give each other strange looks and tiny smiles. Practice meant suppressing her feelings of being alone, watching the Kurosawa siblings idly chatter and groom each other's hair, Hanamaru teasing Yoshiko about this and that, Mari and Kanan whispering in each other’s ears and giggling in the way only girls could, and Chika sharing a pair of earphones with Riko. Live performances meant forcing down her feelings of inferiority and jealousy and putting on a façade the audience wanted to see; the cheerful sailor girl, Watanabe You, not the bitter, self-loathing failure of a friend, Watanabe You.

Gone were the nights of peaceful sleep. Now her nights were spent with a hand in her pants and her mouth gasping Chika’s name under her breath, all while thoughts she should never have ran through her head.

She wasn’t sure if it made her feel better. But it was better than crying herself to sleep.

When the offer letter arrived in the mail, it took her one night to make her decision.

If there was one thing You was better at than disappointing her friends, it was diving. A sports scholarship would ease her family’s financial burdens in regards to her further education. Being a school idol was fun, but she couldn’t do it forever. All things had to end eventually.

Her friendship with Chika was one of those things, she supposed.

* * *

 

The train slowed to a halt at the station. You looked around the platform, taking in the sight of everyone who had come to see her off. She would spend her third year of high school away from the town she had lived in all her life, at a school with better facilities where she could focus solely on diving. Naturally, that meant saying goodbye to everyone she had ever known, and goodbye to her school idol career. It was a painful farewell, but she was numb enough at this point that she could take it. After all, it was better that a horrible person like her stay away from her best friend Chika.

Her parents were giving her advice they had repeated for the past two hours, and she had long since tuned them out. The other members of Aqours watched with varying expressions as she boarded the train. Yoshiko shouted out something about watching out for water-dwelling scalekin. Ruby and Hanamaru had arms around each other, looking so, so sad, more than You had ever seen them before. Dia was soothing her younger sister, running her slender fingers through the redhead’s hair, but her own expression was wistful. Kanan looked concerned, but her concern seemed mostly directed at Mari – who was looking at You with a strangely melancholic expression. You had managed to disappoint the blonde as well, it seemed. At this point, it wasn’t a surprise any more.

And Chika... Chika was talking to Riko.

She smiled a brittle smile. A fitting end, at least.

She settled in her seat on the train, refusing to look out the window. She felt that if she looked out and saw her former best friend, her already fractured mask would shatter completely.

_“You-chan!”_

At the sound of her voice, she turned to look out the window. Chika was right outside, her face closer to hers than it had been in months, so close that her breath was forming condensation on the glass. You touched her hand to Chika’s face, ignoring the cold glass separating their skin, and imagined all the things she wanted to say, and all the things she wanted Chika to say right now. _Tell me to stay,_ she wished. _Tell me that I don’t have to leave. Tell me that we’re best friends and will always be. Tell me that I haven’t done anything wrong, that you know how hard the past few months have been on me. Tell me you’re sorry for letting us drift apart. Tell me you can’t live without me, the way I can’t live without you._

All selfish wishes. You and Chika stared at each other through the glass, each waiting for the other to speak. But You had already lost hope in her ability to reach Chika.

For the first time in her life, it seemed that Chika had nothing to say.

Chika pressed her hand against the cold glass, opening her mouth as though trying to say something. The train jerked to life. With mouth agape, Chika stepped back from the window, an unfamiliar expression slithering across her face for a brief moment before she smiled at the leaving girl. You didn’t recognize that glimpse of emotion. It looked so foreign on her face. Was Chika even capable of looking regretful?

Still, no words came out from the carrot-head’s mouth. Instead, she retreated back into the crowd of people who had come to see her off; her arm joining the wall of waving limbs bidding her farewell. You waved back with one hand, doing a half-hearted sailor salute with the other. Full speed ahead into a lonely future.

Her heart sunk in her chest like a stone as her friends and family vanished from sight, and the only thing from Uchiura left visible on the window was the faint mark left by Chika’s warm hand.

You placed her hand on the fading handprint, and let her tears flow free at last.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the only one disappointed with how the second year drama turned out in the anime, right? I was expecting some Kotori end-of-season-one drama with how she's apparently good enough to qualify for nationals, but instead we got an asspull.
> 
> This was supposed to end with fluff, but I think it's better this way.
> 
> I wonder if You thinks that way too.


End file.
